The Art of the Rally

Baseball spring training will be here before we know it, so I'm reposting something I did for another site (bravesrallycap.com) last season. And yes, I realize it's actually not near spring training and I'm shamelessly reposting something I wrote last year because I'm a lazy bastard. Hope you enjoy it and go Braves!

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Throughout the ages, Rally Caps have been a tradition in baseball, but how many different kinds are there? Let's take an in-depth look.

THE SHARK
Method: Fold back of hat into front, creating a half-hat. Place hat on head so bill becomes shark fin.


This method can be extremely intimidating, especially against teams who play in landlocked states that don’t normally see sharks. No one knows why this actually works, but legend has it that an ancient voodoo woman (who happened to be a huge baseball fan) was tired of her team losing, so she transferred the spirit of a great white shark into the player’s rally caps, thus instilling them with a ferocity that the other teams couldn’t compete with. Or maybe opponents just can’t stop staring at how dumb the other team looks.


THE INSIDE-OUT
Method: Invert hat. Wear. Works every time.

The most common Rally Cap is perfect. Just the right amount of team pride and goofiness. The reason it works is that the entire roster is united, but relaxed. Some of the pressure of having to mount a comeback is taken off the batter and base runners, often with winning results. The only problem is having to deal with an extremely sweaty hat exterior when players take the field again.


BACKWARDS
Method: Turn hat around. Did we really have to tell you that?


We're sure this method worked much better before people actually started wearing their hats backwards in day-to-day situations. Now it's not so goofy and is pretty common. Thanks a lot, Johnny Backwards Hat. You think you're so cool. Way to ruin a perfectly good rally method for the rest of us. Now we have one less rally weapon in our arsenal.


IMPROVISATION
Method: Use athletic tape to contort the bill of the hat into different shapes.

*Note: Rowdy Bowden could find no documented photos of this method. It's like Sasquatch, only it lives in the late innings of baseball games and not in the woods. One of the lesser-known approaches…and for good reason.

With everyone showing their artistic side, there’s no sense of uniformity. As far as we’re concerned, there’s no improv in the baseball rally.


THE RALLY MASK
Method: Purchase a pre-made mask with team colors on it.


Just don’t do this. Seriously. You’re an adult. Act like one and make your hat into a shark fin. Just don’t embarrass the rest of us with something like this facial monstrosity. Come on. You’re scaring the children at the stadium and really lowering your chances of ever speaking to a woman that isn't your mom.

The Battle of the Wallet Bulge

Some of you may have been wondering why I haven’t written anything lately. I know it’s been awhile. Frankly, I haven’t been in much of a humorous mood over the past few weeks. Something has happened that’s dampened my spirits and made me put my whole life in perspective. I think I can finally bring myself to talk about it. It’s a problem that many men before me have had to tackle and I just hope my story can help them through it.

That’s right. There’s a hole in the back pocket of my favorite jeans and I’ve had to switch the butt cheek side I carry it on. Please. Bear with me. I may have to choke back a tear or two as I write.

You see, as a boy becomes a man, he’s faced with many tough decisions. The most important of those being which ass cheek his wallet will nestle snugly against for the rest of his life. Once this choice is made and man, wallet and cheek are comfortable with the decision, all is right with the world. The sun shines brighter, people seem to smile more and peace can reign on Earth.

But if that balance is interrupted, terrible things happen. Is it a coincidence that the day I had to switch cheeks, Gerald Ford died? Probably. But it’s still freaky.

For as long as I can remember, all the way back to my very first Spider Man Velcro wallet, I was a right cheek man. It just felt natural and, eventually, even after I switched to a bulkier “big-boy” version, my cheek accepted this change. We had a mutual understanding.


But over the years, my left cheek grew jealous and spiteful. It had nothing to do but sit there with only a pair of boxers and some denim separating it from the cold hard surfaces I chose to rest it upon. It had to watch as its symmetrical brother felt the smooth, 100% cowhidey goodness of a wallet protecting it from its natural enemies such as splinters, sun-scorched leather car seats and grab-happy Georgia Tech fans that may try to pull it into one of their impromptu tickle piles. It was not a good time to be my left ass cheek.

Then, as if by the grace of God’s left ass cheek, the tides turned. The hole in the back right pocket of my most favoritest jeans got bigger and bigger until, finally, my wallet began protruding out of it. Left ass cheek knew its time had come. At least once a week when I wear these jeans, left ass cheek has a shining moment. It may feel strange and awkward to me, but I’ve come to terms with it.

And while my left ass cheek knows it can never take the place of my right one as the official keeper of the wallet, it still feels a sense of pride everytime I put on my favorite jeans. Because it knows its time has come. And for at least one day, Left Ass Cheek isn’t wrong. Its right.