Things you should really be scared of.

Halloween is right around the corner, which means scary movies, haunted houses and other things that are supposed to frighten the bajeebuz out of you. But you don’t have to wait for October 31st to be scared. There’s plenty of things you could encounter everyday that should scare the everlovin’ shit out of you.

Heed my warning. These are the real things that go bump in the night.


Guys Who Drive Vans With No Back Windows

Unless it’s a traveling dark room, there’s no reason at all that someone should be driving around with no windows on the sides or in the back of their van. The owners of these death mobiles are almost always creepy guys with paint in their beards (at least, I hope that’s paint.)

If you see one of these possible vehicular molesters, run. Run far away, or you may be forced to put the lotion on your skin in fear of getting the hose again.


Restaurants That Try To Do Too Much

Be afraid. Be very afraid of the take-out menu that features everything from Chinese food to hamburgers to enchiladas. If you can’t focus on one style of food, chances are, you’re not taking that much care in making it to start with.

Hell, there are some places that serve only Mexican food and I’m still scared, so I certainly don’t want to eat shrimp from a place that also serves spaghetti, burritos and peanut butter cookies. Think about the kind of person who has to take a job as a chef at one of these places. Chances are he’s diseased and scabby. And let me tell you, diseases and scabs are two things you want as far as possible away from something you’re about to put in your mouth. Just ask George Michael.


Robots

They don't get as much horror movie villain recognition as they deserve. Screw Dracula. Keep me away from ZorBot 5000. He could crush my tiny head with his giant steel claws of death.

When the millennium rolled around, I was almost positive that robots would take over the earth, creating a new, machinistic society. Then, they would make most of us humans do the tasks they used to perform, like open their cans of soup and search the internet for porn. Well, maybe it wouldn’t be all bad.

After New Years Eve, I breathed a sigh of relief when nothing happened. Until I realized that the robots are so smart, they knew we’d be expecting them to attack on the 31st. That’s why they’re waiting for a time when we least expect it. Everytime I plug my iPod into my car, I’m afraid it’s going to hijack the computer system and drive me off a cliff. Either that, or wait until I’m on a date and start playing my extensive collection of O-Town songs on repeat. I don’t know which would be worse.

Now that I think about it, I might just take my chances with the cliff.