Brain Matters Vol. 1

**When 2010 rolls around, the people who make the oversized New Years glasses with the zeroes in the middle will be completely out of jobs for a long time. They could try to bring them back in 2030 by filling in part of the three, but I have to tell ya, that doesn't work symmetrically for me.


**Often when someone wants to convey how easy a task is, they say "Hey, it's not brain surgery." or "Hey, it's not rocket science." Since these jobs are obviously the two most difficult professions to get into, people who have these titles are usually revered as geniuses and must be paid extremely well.

That's why I'm offically studying to become the world's first Rocket Surgeon Brain Scientist. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but I'm looking forward to the day when someone says, "Hey, it's not rocket surgery brain science."

Their friend would then reply with, "Oh, you mean the job that Derek guy has. What a badass."

This theory also works when combining other difficult tasks, because if doing them individually is hard, doing both of them together should garner even more respect. Other things on my list include:

Triathelte President of the United States
Solver of the Rubix Cube and the Global Warming problem
Astronaut Double Dutcher (hey, jumping those ropes is hard with that spacesuit on)


**I know I'm not the first person to think about this, but why do guys have nipples? Everything on everyone's body is, or was at some point, functional. But the logic behind guy's nipples....well, I'm stumped. I've never lactated, nor do I plan on it. They don't do anything cool like shoot laser beams. I'm at a loss.

I want kids one day, but I'm seriously thinking about changing my mind for the sole reason that my kid might ask me why guys have nipples and I'll have no answer for him.

"Um..well little Jimmy. I...uh. You see, the thing about nipples is...uh. Hey! Is that Barney over there handing out free ice cream and puppies?!"

At which point I'd run away, leaving him all alone, wondering why his dad is such a moron.

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