The Hypocritical Oath

I, Rowdy Bowden, do solemnly swear on this worn-out Old Navy catalog that was holding up one leg of my coffee table, that I shall never purchase, wear or express anything other than disgust towards the horror that is Madras shorts.

The pastel nightmare of brightly colored squares that resemble the contents of the Easter Bunny's colostomy bag will never cross the threshold to my domicile, much less actually grace my person in any way.

In addition, I have witnessed other societal abominations that I must take a stance against, and they are as follows:

I shall never use the word "Holla!" even in jest.

I shall never write a song that features the phrase "Crank it up and cry it out," then proceed to play that song at an Open Mic Night while two drunken idiots named Josh and Derek laugh uncontrollably in the back of the room.

I shall not give in to the newly attractive Ashlee Simpson. I must constantly remind myself of my hatred for her, despite her new nose, which has magically skyrocketed her from "I hope she is set on fire and falls off a cliff, cruelly landing inches away from a lake that would have distinguished the blaze." to "I think I'd do her."

I shall never own a vanity license plate, especially if said license plate features a number that is meant to function as part of a word. Examples of this include, but are not limited to:
"U R HOT 4 ME"
"STR8 PLAYA"

In addition, I swear to point and laugh at any car that features stickers on the back windshield with phrases such as the following, usually written in an Old English font:
"Lil Vato"
"My ambitions as a ridah."
"Picture me rollin."
"You know how we do it."
"Southside Pimp Trik Gangsta Clik Crew Unit Posse Gang Boyz"

I shall then run away like a frightened schoolgirl when the driver of the aforementioned car sees me pointing at him.

Once I am hidden, I shall begin snickering again from the safety of a giant Azalea bush.

I shall kick my own ass for knowing what an Azalea bush is.


These things I do swear to uphold with all my existence, for as long as I grace this Earth.

Or until Ashlee Simpson gets new boobs.