MUST. STOP. WATCHING.

I know it’s early, but I’m already getting my boxers in a bunch in anticipation of the greatest holiday tradition of all time. A tradition that makes this season the greatest time of year. A tradition that could quite possibly end world hunger and start world peace. A tradition that I will oversell and use to create false hope for small, hungry Ethiopian children who might be reading this.

Swat away the flies on your faces, kiddies. A Christmas Story Marathon on TNT is coming.

There’s just something about that damn movie that switches off a part of my brain and forces me to lie comatose on the couch in awe. I’m barely able to move except to lift my hand to place junk food in my mouth. Even if it’s just on in the background, there’s something comforting about knowing that I could come in at any time and not miss a beat.

Which got me thinking. What are some other movies that have this strange power over me? They’re almost always embarrassing and are probably something that no heterosexual, adult male should be watching, but dammit, I’m human and I can’t help it. Let’s see what we have.

(Note: These are movies that I only get sucked into on TV and not something that I would willingly insert into my DVD player and watch. That’s why there’s no Billy Madison, Point Break, Road House or Half Baked. I could watch those over and over, but I would do it of my own accord.)

#1 – Grease










Yeah. I know. Here are my testicles. No, just go ahead and take them. Because once this movie comes on, I really have no use for them anyway. In my defense, I think I actually have a genetic predisposition to this movie. There are certain amino acids attached to at least two of my chromosomes that force me to sit down and stare at this movie. I was literally born to hand jive. I could take medicine to suppress it, but, being a devout Scientologist, I think drugs are dumb and evil. Just like that dirty whore, ChaCha DiGregorio.

#2 – Grease 2
















Well, I have no excuse for this one. Seriously, just skip to the next one. In fact, forget I even mentioned it.

Although if you’re ever captured by radical Islamic terrorists and forced to watch this as some sort of hideous torture, check out the song called “Reproduction.” I think it’s about doin’ it, but I'm not sure. It’s so hilariously stupid, that it’s somehow enjoyable. Don’t ask me how. Just listen to lyrics like this, laugh and spit in that dirty Un-American terrorist’s face.

Reproduction, reproduction!
Put your pollen tube to work.
Reproduction, reproduction!
Make my stamen go berserk.
Reproduction!
I don't think they even know what a pistil is!
I got your pistil right here...
Where does the pollen go?

Um, yeah. I’m pretty much going to make “I got your pistil right here.” my new catchphrase. And “Make my stamen go berserk” could easily become my new favorite pick-up line.


#3 – Drumline
















Damn you, Nick Cannon. Why must you be so chocolately awesome? Your drumbeats and cadences hypnotize me into thinking that I absolutely have to watch this movie until the very end. I just can’t miss the surprise appearance by Petey Pablo during the Morris Brown performance at the BET Classic (which is SO totally something that those Morris Brown punks would pull. I hate them so.)

In fact, my love for this movie has pretty much made me decide that I want to attend this year’s BET Classic at the Georgia Dome. I should probably brush up on my Stepping beforehand though, just in case someone tries to call me out for having no rhythm. Then I’d be all like “Oh yeah. Watch this. Hoo-Rah!” (stomp! stomp! step. slide. stomp! jiggy. pivot. slide. stomp!!)

And then they’d be all like “Damn, white boy. You a’ight. You wanna join our squad?”

And I’d be all like “Word? Um, I mean…yeah.”

**********

Anybody have any others they can think of? Or maybe you just want to let me know what a dork I am. Well, I have one thing to say to that…

I got your pistil right here.