Thanksgiving = Funhaving

On my MySpace page, I opened up the floor to suggest a topic for today's column. I received an overwhelming number of responses. And for the record, I consider two responses to be overwhelming, since I can't count beyond one. But, since I'm so accommodating, I'll be writing about both.

Danny's topic of the University of Georgia VS Georgia Tech game this saturday will be a later posting, since I'm going to the game and I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about after that. Here's hoping I don't get pulled into any fervent Yellow Jacket tickle piles.

But for today, we have Emily's suggested topic: the top ten things to do while your house is overrun with relatives for the holidays. As Bob Saget would say, here are the finalists, in no particular order.

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10. Drink heavily. This will make the rest of these much more amusing. Plus, you'll have an excuse for multiple bathroom breaks. It'll make Grandma's hysterectomy story slightly more tolerable.


9. Grab the turkey, ram your hand up there and start your own puppet show. Call it the "Super Happy Gobble Gobble Fun Time Hour." If time permits, make a small sign that says "First three rows may get doused with giblet gravy."


8. Only converse with the dog. If someone questions your actions, turn to the dog and say, "Excuse me Mr. Sprinkles, would you please tell mom that I'm not speaking to her?"


7. Nonchalantly say that you thought you heard something outside and are going to investigate. While out of view of your relatives, rub cranberry sauce all over you, then run inside screaming and recreate the last scene of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Note: If Grandma has a bad ticker, you might want to warn her before you do this one. Or just get her to play along as Leatherface. You know, because Grandma's like to feel like they're useful and stuff.


6. When someone says "Pass the rolls," hand them a big bowl of Ecstacy tablets. It's an expensive and highly illegal joke, but I feel that the hilarity outweighs the jailtime.

Plus, it'll make for a great story when you're older. "Hey kids. Gather 'round and let Grandpa Rowdy tell you about the Thanksgiving he got arrested for possession with an intent to distribute."


5. Scalp your least favorite family member. When questioned, simply state that you're honoring the heritage of the Native Americans, because without them, there would be no Thanksgiving. Then give a loud war cry and leap out the nearest window.

After that, I'd probably find a safe hiding place, what with the murder you just committed and all. Repenting might not be a bad idea either.


4. Instead of eating like a normal, functioning member of society, cram every bite you're about to take into a shot glass. Then, down it quickly and slam the shot glass upside-down on the table and yell "Ohhhhhh yeah!" Repeat throughout dinner, despite whatever protests your parents or your better judgment may have.


3. Ask if you can say Grace, but use it to thank people that have no ties to you or family whatsoever. "Dear Lord, please watch down over us as we gather for this feast. And please watch over O.J. Simpson. I know this whole book and interview thing has been rough on him. He seems like a nice enough guy. And may you help CarrotTop come up with even more hilarious props made of toilet seats. Oh, and maybe shine a little divinity towards Paris Hilton, too. That girl needs a hug. And possibly some penicillin. Amen."


2. Throughout your visit, cuss like a sailor, but censor yourself every now and then for no reason. For example:

"Uncle Clem, I fuckin' love this cranberry sauce. This shit is motherfuckin' cran-tastic. It's good as hell. Oh, excuse me. It's good as heck."

"Well, shit dammit! I can't fuckin' believe how much little Jimmy has grown since the last time I saw him. That shit is un-fuckin-believable. Gosh darnit it all to h-e-double hickey sticks, my mind is fuckin' blown."


1. After dinner, exclaim that you brought over your favorite holiday movie and you want everyone to gather around the TV and watch.

Then put in a dvd of Pam and Tommy Lee's sex tape. Keep replaying the part where he looks at his own member and says "Fuckin' rad!" over and over and over.

Note: Once again, Grandma may need to be excluded from this one. Or maybe she'll be front and center, watching intently. How the hell should I know what kind of freaky shit your Grandma is into?

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Special thanks go out to Emily for her topic. For her efforts, she'll receive absolutely nothing.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody and I'll be back after the UGA/GT game this weekend.

Oh, and no Grandma's were harmed in the writing of this blog.