That’s right. There’s a hole in the back pocket of my favorite jeans and I’ve had to switch the butt cheek side I carry it on. Please. Bear with me. I may have to choke back a tear or two as I write.
You see, as a boy becomes a man, he’s faced with many tough decisions. The most important of those being which ass cheek his wallet will nestle snugly against for the rest of his life. Once this choice is made and man, wallet and cheek are comfortable with the decision, all is right with the world. The sun shines brighter, people seem to smile more and peace can reign on Earth.
But if that balance is interrupted, terrible things happen. Is it a coincidence that the day I had to switch cheeks, Gerald Ford died? Probably. But it’s still freaky.
For as long as I can remember, all the way back to my very first Spider Man Velcro wallet, I was a right cheek man. It just felt natural and, eventually, even after I switched to a bulkier “big-boy” version, my cheek accepted this change. We had a mutual understanding.
But over the years, my left cheek grew jealous and spiteful. It had nothing to do but sit there with only a pair of boxers and some denim separating it from the cold hard surfaces I chose to rest it upon. It had to watch as its symmetrical brother felt the smooth, 100% cowhidey goodness of a wallet protecting it from its natural enemies such as splinters, sun-scorched leather car seats and grab-happy Georgia Tech fans that may try to pull it into one of their impromptu tickle piles. It was not a good time to be my left ass cheek.
Then, as if by the grace of God’s left ass cheek, the tides turned. The hole in the back right pocket of my most favoritest jeans got bigger and bigger until, finally, my wallet began protruding out of it. Left ass cheek knew its time had come. At least once a week when I wear these jeans, left ass cheek has a shining moment. It may feel strange and awkward to me, but I’ve come to terms with it.
And while my left ass cheek knows it can never take the place of my right one as the official keeper of the wallet, it still feels a sense of pride everytime I put on my favorite jeans. Because it knows its time has come. And for at least one day, Left Ass Cheek isn’t wrong. Its right.
3 comments:
you kept your wallet in your right pocket? what the fuck - you're a lefty! you must be a traitor, like The Southern Sports Girlfriend - she says she's left-handed, but oh so conveniently has right-handed tendencies in whatever we happen to be doing when i notice: wears a watch on the left wrist, swings a bat from the right side of the plate (we went to a batting cage), etc. it's shameful, really....
Psychological studies have shown that left-handed people don't have to be left ass-cheeked. In fact, the left ass cheek controls the right side of my brain. Or something like that.
so what kind of wallet do you have...is it leather, what colour, bifold or trifold....where on the pocket did you get the hole?
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