North Avenue Nutbags

One of the best parts about living in the city is that I don’t have to drive far to get to work. But that short stretch of road I use is known as North Avenue, and every day I see a lifetime’s worth of crackheads, bums, thugs, toothless hookers, pimps with pouches full of hooker teeth and other assorted street trash.

Normally, I could just ignore them, but one of their character traits (besides the unmistakable odor of stale bread and gonorrhea) is that basic pedestrian courtesy is completely foreign to them. In their eyes, a crosswalk is merely a suggestion and a “Do Not Walk” sign is nothing but a pole to urinate on after downing a bottle of extra strength cough syrup.

But you can’t fault them all. A lot of them are just products of their environment, however roach-infested that may be. If nothing else, they’re a pretty good source of entertainment when you’re sitting in traffic listening to your favorite O-Town….um, I mean Metallica CD. So, when you’re driving down your city’s equivalent of North Avenue, keep an eye out for some of these characters that I’ve noticed on my daily commute.

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The Electric Wheelchair Boogaloo Crew
I see plenty of old men in this area in wheelchairs, but they’re always cruising in electric ones. And they’re quite graceful. Maneuvering around curbs, broken bottles, passed out meth addicts, random limbs sticking out of trash bags. These guys are like homeless NASCAR drivers. Except with more teeth.


The Crazies
These are the best. There’s no rhyme or reason to what they do. Take for example a woman that I had the pleasure to watch cross the street in front of me the other morning. She was dressed in a lovely ensemble from the latest Derelict clothing line and had a very noticeable limp. She would take one step, then bring her other foot even. Another step, then even. Kind of like if she was walking down a church aisle, about to marry the man of her dreams and become Mrs. Wonky Crackhead. But the best part was that each time a foot hit the ground, she’d say:

“Step.”
“Jomp.”
“Step.”
“Jomp.”

Now, I don’t know what Jomp is, but it’s definitely funny. And it’s definitely going to become part of my daily vocabulary.


The Crazies (with possible violent tendencies)
These guys aren’t quite as fun. At first, you might think they’re just regular Crazies, but as you listen to them babble, you start to realize they might actually turn their craziness on you. It goes from being fun to frightening faster than they can shout “The government infested my brain with Cracker Jacks!”

The real turning point is the moment when they actually make eye contact with you. You can see their soul, and even it hasn’t had bathed in months. It breaks that “fourth wall” and you realize you’re no longer watching as a casual observer. You’re about to get sucked into the constant David Lynch movie that’s playing in their heads.

If this occurs, just hit the gas. I don’t care if they’re standing right in front of you. Just floor it. The time you might have to spend in jail for running them over will be a lot less frightening than whatever they have planned for you and your purdy mouth.


The Geriatric “G”
As our population gets older, some guys that were really fly at one point never really change their look. The guy I’ve nicknamed The Geriatric “G” is actually one of the coolest playas on the block. It just so happens that he’s 78 years old and uses a walker. But he does it while decked out in a maroon leather suit.

And I don’t care how old you are…if you can rock a maroon leather suit and still look cool, you can get away with having two artificial hips and a Fixodented grill. You’re still superfly in my book.


Smelly Balls
I see this guy every now and then and I named him Smelly Balls because it looks like he’d have really smelly balls.

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Every town has them. So I say give ‘em a nickname and enjoy their antics. Just do it from a safe distance. You never know what kind of monstrously superpowered lice the government might have infested them with. And those suckers can really Jomp.