I’m not sure if this is the best way to address some concerns I have with your living arrangement, as I’m not positive you can even read above a 3rd grade level, but I need to bring a few things to your attention.
First, the area between my fence and my neighbor’s fence is not your personal storage area. I know you’re a bit of a packrat, and rightfully so, because let’s face it, if you can find an old, coffee stained American flag mousepad and sell it at the nearest Marta station for a quarter, that’s better than nothing at all. As I always say, one man’s trash is another man’s 40oz Mad Dog 20/20.
But your garbage bags full of old clothes, USB cords, broken plumbing supplies and other, unused garbage bags are a bit of an eyesore. It doesn’t exactly impress any women I may try to bring back to my apartment (hey, it could happen…one day) when I have to explain to them that I live next to Rusty the hobo, a.k.a. He Who Shall Not Be Bathed.
My second concern is actually for your own good. Judging from the remnants of the meals you eat on the stairs outside the fire escape, your diet is severely lacking in nutritional content. Last night’s feast of jelly beans, Froot Loops and a Milwaukee’s Best could hardly be considered well-rounded, although I’m sure you enjoyed how colorful your excrement was.
Which brings me to my most important issue. Stop using the alley as your personal bathroom. It’s unsanitary, it smells and frankly, even my dog is concerned that you may have Ringworm.
I’ve also heard from the neighbors that you are single-handedly bringing property values down. While that might seem like quite an accomplishment for one man, it’s actually quite sad and depressing.
Lastly, I really think you need some direction in your life. The other morning, I was leaving for work and you were still asleep under your urine-stained blanket. I know you’re homeless and all, but when you’re using a giant rock covered in glass chips as a pillow, I think you might want to reevaluate your priorities and get up with the rest of the working world.
I know you probably blame your crack addict mother for your situation, but even she made an effort to wake up at a reasonable hour. Granted, she got up early to go buy more crack, but still, mom knows best. Remember what she always taught you, “The early bird gets the crack rock.”
Please take these suggestions to heart. I really do want what’s best for you, your health and your overall well-being.
Well, actually I just don’t want to smell you anymore. Your stench is horrid.
Sincerely,
Rowdy Bowden
************
P.S. - Enclosed you'll find documentation of some of the topics covered above.
Your "pillow."
Your "closet."
A bicycle wheel that you've saved for no reason except to bring shame to my alley.
3 comments:
i love that, at the bottom, it says-
Labels: "hobo", "homeless", "milwaukee's best"
LOL
Oh dear God. Trust me, we don't have it nearly as bad as those who live in the "SoNo" part of town. At least our homeless are not crackheads, too.
About 2 months ago, there was a cop on my dead end street removing a man who had a "room" with a mattress set up in the bushes next to where I normally park my car.
I've seen those "rooms." There was a tent in the bushes over there when I walked by today.
My dog usually shits near their front "door."
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