iEmbarrassment Vol. 1

Anyone who knows me knows that I love music. But I don't discriminate. I love it all (with the exception of Ashlee Simpson and Sonique's "Feel So Good" for some reason.) I can appreciate anything for what it is. Rap, rock, pop, country, classical, jazz, 80's sitcom theme, aboriginal didgeridoo, harmonized flatulence...it's all fair game for my ears.

So, I collect it. My iTunes library is a bit ridiculous. It pretty much cuts a swath through all genres, styles and levels of embarrassment.

And even though it means I may never get laid again, I invite you into the dark, frighteningly dumb area of my computer that is my iTunes.

Here's how it works. I have about 20,000 songs. I'll put it on random and tell you the first few songs that come up that might be considered semi-embarrassing, analyze them, and possibly try to explain why in the holy hell they're resting on my hard drive.

Are you ready? Because there's no turning back. You might want to send the kids to bed. Here we go.

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1. Hall & Oates - "Kiss Is On My List"

I think the last thing that any girl would want to do is kiss John Oates, with his giant pushbroom moustache attacking their face. That’s why I view this song as more of a threat than a love song. And who are these girls that made Oates’ creepy Kiss List?

- The girl in 3rd Grade who gave him a Valentine signed “Love, Christine.” Much to little John’s dismay, she didn’t actually love him. She must pay for this.

- Justine Bateman. Oates’ became smitten with her after seeing an episode of Family Ties, but later found out she was dating Scott Baio. Not only did she make the list, but Oates can sometimes be seen after his concerts, sobbing in a corner, quietly muttering the word “Baio” repeatedly.

- His mom, because he’s a twisted freak with an Oedipal Complex.

- Daryl Hall, because you can’t spend that much time on a tour bus with someone that cool and not start to have feelings for him. At least that’s what Oates’ therapist told him.

Embarrassment Factor: 6 out of 10 Lip Hairs



2. N.E.R.D. - "Provider"


Has a group's name ever so accurately described me? Probably not since Kajagoogoo.

Embarrassment Factor: 2 out of 10 Rumpshakers



3. Ready For The World - "Love You Down"


This is pretty much the booty bass version of Little Engine That Could. Observe these lyrics.

“Let me love you down
Even if it takes all night.”

Now, that’s commitment. Although it does seem a little sad that it might take so long to satisfy someone. Check out these lost lyrics I found.

“Let me love you down, even if it takes all night.
Let me love you d…hang on. I think your bra is stuck. I can’t seem to get…

Oh, wait. There it goes. It was one of those tricky clasp-y ones. Now I’ve got it.
Hang on. My belt buckle is being weird. It happens sometimes.

I swear, I’m gonna really love you down in a minute. Boy, oh boy am I ever gonna love you down. Just as soon as….A-ha! There it goes.

Ok…say, did you bring protection? Because I forgot to run by the store.
Hang on, I’ll go right now. Can I borrow your car? Mine’s in the shop.”

Embarrassment Factor: 7 out of 10 Forgotten Prophylactics (Points were added due to the fact that the lost lyrics hit far too close to home for me.)



4. Aaron Neville/Linda Rondstadt - "I Don't Know Much"


One of the greatest songs ever sung by a man with a giant mole and sword tattoo on his face.

Embarrassment Factor: 0 out of 10


5. Theme - "Facts Of Life"


To me, this isn’t embarrassing at all. That’s because the sitcom theme song is a forgotten work of art that reached its creative peak in 1986. “Facts of Life” is the perfect example of this.

Forget Bach. Forget Beethoven. Give me Mrs. Garrett’s theme anyday.

And the fact that it was written by the patriarch of the Seaver clan, Alan Thicke, well, that just makes it legendary.

“You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The facts of life. The facts of life.

There's a time you got to go and show
You're growin' now you know about
the facts of life. The facts of life.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

Embarrassment Factor: Negative 10 out of 1 gajillion Tooties

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That concludes our tour for today. Hope you enjoyed it and maybe even learned a thing or two. For instance, what a dork I am. I’ll leave you with these wise words…

We took the good. We took the bad. We took them both and there you have…iEmbarrassment Vol. 1.