Maybe the dingo ate your sexy.

Evidently, there's an army of women who've been commissioned by the United States government to bring sexy back. I've come to this conclusion after hearing multiple women exclaim that they have indeed taken on the task of finding sexy and bringing it back.

I, for one, wasn't even aware that sexy was missing. Shouldn't there have been some sort of Amber Alert for it? Maybe show me a computer enhanced photo of what sexy might look like these days? Does sexy have any noticeable scars or birthmarks? At least then I'd know to be on the lookout for what kind of car it was driving or something.

Actually, I'm a little pissed about all this. I mean, here I am, walking around all these years without my sexy. That would probably explain all the rejection from women. I thought it was just bad hygiene, but nope. Turns out my sexy was M.I.A.

Would it have killed someone to tell me that I was without my sexy for so long? It's just like if I have food in my teeth, I expect someone to tell me. Not to wait until I walk away and mention to their friends how they weren't sure if they should have said anything or not. For the love of God, save me further shame! Don't let the piece of pepperoni dangle off my face looking like I was in an orgy with Papa John, The Noid and Little Ceaser. Speak up!

I really wouldn't be surprised if Osama had the sexy we've been looking for. It's probably locked up in a little cage in a cave somewhere, all cold and trembling. As far as I'm concerned, if we don't get our sexy back, the terrorists win.

With that being said, I do wish our brave women all the best in their quest to find, capture and bring sexy back to all of us, hopefully safely. God speed courageous women. God speed.

And on a completely unrelated note, have you heard the new Justin Timberlake song? I can't remember what it's called, but it's quite catchy.