The Current Social, Economic and Geopolitical Climate of McDonaldland

Between work, sleep and tailgating, I've had absolutely no time to write anything new. That's why, for all you Rowdy Bowden newbies, I'm dipping into the Vault and posting something from a while back. And much like Disney, this is only available for a limited time and will soon go back into the Rowdy Bowden Vault forever. Or until I get lazy again.

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As a child, I visited McDonaldland on several occasions. In fact, it became somewhat of a tradition to frolic among the various inhabitants of this wonderful town. But as I've grown older, I've come to learn about the sesame-seedy underbelly of this town's very infrastructure. I've stood by silently for too long. I must be heard.

At the very top of this corruption and disregard for the wellbeing of the citizens of McDonaldland is Mayor McCheese himself. He is the very depiction of the rich, white male with his top hat, monocle and diplomat's sash. Worst of all, he's let his elected position go to his giant hamburger head while the people of his land are forced to only eat from The Dollar Menu. And his appointed officials are no better. Chief of Police "Officer Big Mac" is rarely even seen patrolling the streets. In fact, I bet most of you didn't even know he existed.

But as time has gone on, crime in McDonaldland has reached an all-time high, with crime rates in the unheard of Double Quarter Pound range. That can be attributed mostly to the infamous Hamburglar. His unquenchable desire to steal every hamburger in this once magical land has forced the cute, felt citizens to cower in their homes and horde food. As night falls on the city, his cries of "Robble Robble!" echo through the city streets as he tyrannizes anyone unfortunate enough to venture outdoors. This was especially evident one morning when Birdie the Early Bird was on her way to get her morning Egg McMuffin, when the Hamburglar, mistaking her tiny sandwich for a hamburger, accosted her. She made the mistake of fighting back and is now in a hospital bed, barely able to molt without experiencing excruciating pain.

Now, you would think that this would be enough to make Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac stand up and take notice. After all, both of their precious heads are made of the very loot that the Hamburglar seeks, but they do nothing as they sit atop their throne of pickles and mayhem.

Other offshoot gangs have sprung up as well. Most notoriously, The Fry Guys have run rampant, stealing every deep fried potato slice they can get their hands on. Their lust for fries is only eclipsed by their intense addiction to crack cocaine, as is evident in their blank, expressionless, yet extremely googely eyes. In fact, they've almost completely taken over the once peaceful Hamburger Patch, which has become a popular hotspot for the sex trade industry. Sadly, the Golden Arches have been replaced with Golden Showers. The McGovernment began an anti-gang campaign based on the tagline "Keep your eyes on your fries," but merely warning citizens does not combat the problem directly. It's as if this cabinet's motto is "If you don't protect your fry stash, you deserve to have it stolen."

Even the shores are not safe. At one time, the denizens of McDonaldland could play in the water, enjoying Happy Meals. But since the arrival of the elusive Captain Crook, their dinners seem more like Terror Meals. Much like The Hamburglar, Captain Crook's booty is hamburgers, instead of the wildly unpopular and readily available Filet-O-Fish. This leads me to believe that these two super-thugs will one day clash over territorial rights, leaving the ketchupy blood of the innocent in their wake.

And what of McDonaldland's biggest celebrity you may ask? In my opinion, Ronald McDonald has become a joke. In recent years, he has turned his back on his heritage. Newer commercials feature him only cavorting with children from our world, leading me to believe that he no longer wants to associate with his place of birth, instead of helping create inner city programs to stop the crime in its tracks. Even after his best friend Grimace was gunned-down in an apparent milkshake heist, Ronald said nothing. Ronald DID nothing. He simply smiled an empty, painted on smile.

In August of 2003, Mayor McCheese officially named Ronald "Chief Happiness Officer." But I for one believe this does nothing but prove that the Mayor is completely ignorant to what is going on in his town. Because unless we do something our childhood may be erased. I deplore you to begin "Impeach Mayor McCheese" campaigns. Copy this blog. E-mail it to your friends. Just don't let our childhood die under this Big 'N Untasty government. I don't know about you, but I am certainly NOT lovin' it.