Brain Matters Vol. 5

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I've concluded that there is no masculine way to jump over a puddle. It's physically impossible. I'm pretty sure that if I leapt over one with a chainsaw in one hand, a copy of Playboy in the other and Metallica's "For Whom The Bell Tolls" playing in the background, I'd still somehow land on the other side holding a My Little Pony and a makeup Kaboodle with "Y.M.C.A." cranked at full volume behind me.

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Sometimes I find myself really listening to a song that I love and figuring out that there's one part that really ruins the rest of it for me. Take for example Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On." A badass song...or so I thought. There I am, totally feeling Robert Plant's quest to find that perfect girl, no matter how far he has to go.

Until he ventures into "the darkest depths of Mordor." Whoa there, Bobby. Mordor? As in "Lords of the Rings?" Um, yeah. He goes on to complain about "Gollum, the evil one" creeping up and stealing his chick.

Ok, now I love LOTR as much as the next dork, but I don't really want it involved in my quest to find a significant other. And the fact that Plant had his woman stolen by Smeagol is pretty insulting. He must have had a pretty sweet pick-up line, because the looks-decent wagon definitely passed him by, if you know what I'm saying.

Gollum: Why's, hello's there.

Plant's Girl: Ugh, what are you supposed to be?

Gollum: We's the world's greatest love machine.
No! We's Middle Earth's greatest sex machine!

Plant's Girl: Ooh. I like the way your two personalities think.

Gollum: Oh yeah. And we's totally going to use protection.
No! We's don't think it feels natural that way!

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The convenience store across the street from me has a sticker on their alcohol cooler door that proclaims "WE HAVE THE COLDEST BEER IN TOWN!"

Not only is that probably false, but is it really something you want to brag about? I don't know about you, but 33 degrees Fahrenheit is about as cold as I like my beer. Anything lower than that and I just have to sit around and wait for it to thaw.

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Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari is set to co-star in the re-envisioning of Revenge of the Nerds. When asked about it, she had this to say:

She also says the only difference between filming a Hollywood movie and a TV reality show is that a big-screen film "is a lot bigger of a production." Otherwise, "with all the takes and camera angles, it's the same thing."

Um, does anyone else want to punch her in the face for admitting that Laguna Beach is completely staged, with multiple takes and angles? I mean, we all knew it was fake, but to blatantly come out like that is just idiotic.

Plus, she's completely pissing me off for being in a remake of a classic piece of cinema. I wonder who's going to play Booger...Puck from the Real World?

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When I'm out walking around the neighborhood, I encounter plenty of homeless people who are making absolutely no sense. But I don't mind. Most of the time their ramblings are pretty funny, but I started thinking...what if they're just a little behind in their conversations? I could walk by and they're still babbling about something that happened 2 days ago. And by the time they get around to talking about me walking my dog, I'm long gone and someone else is staring at them, wondering what the hell they're talking about.

So if you happen upon a homeless guy muttering "My Little Pony. Kaboodle Village People!!" he's not crazy. He just witnessed me try to jump over a puddle last Tuesday.

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