How to cope with a loss.

My friends and I take University of Georgia football very seriously. Over the years, we've been there for the great games, the good games and, of course, the games you'd like to push out of your brain and replace with the memory of a really kickass Boy Meets World episode.

After all, the antics of Mr. Hunter and Mr. Matthews are much more pleasant than a heartbreaking loss. That's why we've come up with the perfect way to forget about a loss, bring everyone's spirits up and allow yourself to annoy the hell out of the opposing team.

Just pretend like you won.

It's that simple. It all started after years of traveling down to Jacksonville to get our almost annual loss against the Florida Gators. We didn't want our lack of a win to bring us down, so we'd simply walk out of the game and head to the bars saying things loudly like "Man, I didn't think we'd pull that one off, but I'm really glad we did. Let's go celebrate our victory!"

And when fans of the opposing team start taunting you, just reply with a pat on the back and a "Hey, better luck next year. You guys played a good game, but I guess, in the end, we just wanted it more." Then, you can enjoy the dumbfounded look on their face as they try to compute the situation. It's a lot like when your dog hears a new sound for the first time and can only respond with a tilt of the head.

And the best part? The more they try to argue with you, the more you can try to calm the situation and enjoy their increasing anger. You win in two ways:

1. You get a good laugh out of it and it takes your mind off the loss, allowing you to continue drinking in a positive way instead of drowning your sorrows and talking about what your team could have done differently.

2. You ruin opposing fans evenings. They expected to go out and gloat about their win, but instead end up going home extremely pissed at you because their tiny brains can't process what's going on.

Hopefully we won't have to use this method any more this season, but if we do, it'll surely be a great way to cope with a loss...I mean, a win.

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And now, a few Great Moments in Jerk History that happened this weekend.

Jerk Moment #47332
Saturday Night, Downtown Athens

A stranger comes up to me and asks very politely where Uptown Lounge (a bar that was popular back when we were freshman, but closed several years ago, when we were still in school). I reply very seriously, pointing down the street, "Um, sure. You're gonna need to go about 3 or 4 years back in time."

I could have easily told him it wasn't around anymore, but instead I chose to try and embarrass him in front of everyone. Pretty sweet. For all I know, Uptown has probably reopened somewhere else, but hey, I was drunk and couldn't pass up a Jerky opportunity.


Jerk Moment #56998
Saturday Night, Driving Out of Athens After Our "Win"

We pull up alongside a truck full of large, Tennessee fans who are blaring Rocky Top. I yell out to them my condolences on their loss. They try to come back with some witty, hillbilly retort about how their pet (a strange, skinny, white dog) in their car is a "real Dawg." This is, of course, referring to our mascot, UGA, and how they think their weird looking dog is better.

I respond by saying "Yeah, nice fuckin' albino goat. Better luck next year, losers."

Does it make sense? Not really. Funnier if you were there? Probably, but it's still pretty jerky, and that's something special.